thoughts on why i have such trouble making friends... I realize why I don't enjoy 'happy' gatherings much

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I talked to my pastor, Pastor Sam. He recognized my maturity... he said that it might be several years until my peers catch up. That in the meantime, perhaps it might be more suitable for me to seek counsel and companionship in those older than me. Isn't that what I've been doing?

I talked to Mr. Dance about marriage... One day, I will meet someone, and I will know. That's what he said. I will know for a fact that I want to spend my life with her forever.

It will be a long while until that day comes, if what Pastor Sam said about my peers is true... and I think it is true.

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Why do I have trouble making friends?

It's because I look for more than a friend. I look for a lover, someone who adores me, someone who'd receive me. Someone who, when I'm done with work, I can spend time with, and they would have me. Someone who'd want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with them--that is, whenever we can.

But is that not a friend?

Who can I call when the darkness comes to pass and I face death alone? Who will have me who is not already taken by schedules and paperwork, pretty playthings and nights of fun and games?

It is not that I don't enjoy fun and laughter... it's just that it feels so empty when fun is all there is, and nothing more.

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