thoughts on ashley ... i feel as though there may be many of these in the future.

can't sleep for my life rn.

I find myself growing fonder and fonder of Ashley. As fond as I am of Megan, even. There is a hole burning in my chest as I write this. I knew what she meant when she said, "I think this relationship will make me sad." I didn't need to ask. But I asked, anyways. I wanted to hear her say it.

Why does she like me? It would be so much easier if she didn't. I would love her quietly like I do with the others. Write about her, think about her, dream about her. I dreamt about her three times this week. I didn't tell her about them though.

Why can't she be Christian? Maybe it's for the best. I imagine I would be far too distracted if she was; I can't trust myself to handle a relationship without failing school--at the moment. Even as she is now, she has been so good to me. She has been good for me. Not without her flaws, of course; how much more beautiful she would be if she loved Christ! But she is someone nested within regardless.

Today in class we talked about names. About others calling us by our names--but also of having a name to call. I enjoy saying Ashley's name. Every time I call her I want to devour her with my eyes. I feel a great mawing in my stomach. How can someone be so beautiful?

And she likes me. She likes me. She picks up when I call, she messages and thinks about me, she likes spending time with me. This is a longing I have had all my life. It is love where Marian and David had taught me hurt. It is salve on my wounds, and for this I thank God.

I don't have attachments issues, Ashley. You punk. I just love you a lot; is that so wrong? I would say it more--much more--if I could. But you are not Christy, so I must guard my honeyed lips. I want to hold you, but you are neither family nor man, so I must guard my body. No wonder I watch you so intently. My gaze is one thing I do not have to guard.

Something I have always dreaded is the end. When will this end? When will you lose interest, move on as Megan did? When will I no longer be worth the time? When will I no longer have the time for you? Never, I hope. But most likely, the day will come. But I know I will always love her. I always do. Her name is written on my heart. Megan, Alice, Christy, Marian, David, Kirstin. Ashley.

Ashley Chia Sun.

her eyes like candy

i am a child, my hands caught burning

as they reach for the jar, my stomach growling.

dough cupped in my hands, dipped in sweet

i want to devour her

For the first time in a long time I have real trepidation pressing "publish" on this blog. The thoughts are too honest, the poem is ass. And for the first time in a long time--since David and Marian--there might be someone to read it. I should stop listening to music that makes me sad.

But fuck it. This is what the blog is for. An exercise in fear.