thoughts on why im afraid of marian

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Who could have guessed? I'm getting really sad again now that I've spent some time with people. I told you, it's a cycle, and it's predictable. What do I do now? Keep trying to spend time with people? With Marian? David?

I'm increasingly hesitant about drawing close to Marian. She has her own friend group, and we only have a few weeks together left anyways... And as always, I'm afraid of being close to her for the same reason I want to be. Which is...

And she's a good listener. Like Christy. Maybe that's why I like girls more, because they are good listeners.

David... it's so difficult. With my history with their family, with Hanah...

AAHHhhh I'm so conflicted. Never before have I wanted to spend time with someone so much, but never have I felt so foolish for wanting it.

God give me wisdom... this time not for the lives of others, but myself.

Okay. So why exactly am I afraid of Marian? Whenever I think about her I feel this hunger, a sadness, that perhaps in a different time and a different place, it's a shame I'll never see her again... but right now I am only a student and not a provider so it is not even a matter of whether I should or not, but if I can, and the answer is no.

If I was fully equipped? If things were right? What would you do?

...

I'd go for it.

I'm a plenty straightforward guy. I talked to Mr. Dance about how the standards are high, and how they should be high. And Marian--OH NO SHE'S MEETING ALL OF MY STANDARDS.

So... why am I afraid? Of friendship? Of losing a friend? Of my own desires?

Maybe I'm afraid because I was hurt by Hanah... ahh... I have judged wrongly before...

...

I'm going for it. The friendship, I mean. I have to break the cycle somehow. Find a way to keep trying to be friends. I'm sad and alone because I feel unloved and unwanted so I will try to find people who love and want me, even if it's less than how much I love them. Because I have to try. I can't give up.

I want to talk to Christy sometime, but she's always so busy... they're all always so busy...

As an afterthought, this is undoubtedly why I love children so much. They’re so pure, so kind... they make me feel wanted, they say, “Jacob! Jacob! Come here!” and giggle as I swing them around my arms and I laugh great pearls of laughter because I love them so much and they love me too...

And when I’m gone, they miss me...

Who will... will they... miss me?

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