thoughts on jenny

-
Yesterday I talked to Jenny. There are so many...

Praise be to God. He gives and takes away, but I need none other than him. He is my refuge. I may want for friends, and he may not give, and he may take, but what he does give me is better. What he gives me is more important. Somehow, every turn I meet more souls to be doctored. And somehow, I do not know how, He opens their hearts to me.

Some might love me, but nobody knows me which makes the love almost meaningless. Nobody knows me but God. But it okay. I do not live to be loved by others. I am here to work.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

thoughts on ashley ... i feel as though there may be many of these in the future.

-
can't sleep for my life rn. I find myself growing fonder and fonder of Ashley. As fond as I am of Megan, even. There is a hole burning in my chest as I write this. I knew what she meant when she said, "I think this relationship will make me sad." I didn't need to ask. But I asked, anyways. I wanted to hear her say it. Why does she like me? It would be so much easier if she didn't. I would love her quietly like I do with the others. Write about her, think about her, dream about her. I dreamt about her three times this week. I didn't tell her about them though. Why can't she be Christian? Maybe it's for the best. I imagine I would be far too distracted if she was; I can't trust myself to handle a relationship without failing school--at the moment. Even as she is now, she has been so good to me. She has been good for me. Not without her flaws, of course; how much more beautiful she would be if she loved Christ! But she is someone nested within regardl...
Read more

dreams (2) 4/15/20 i love elisabeth and now I’m fucking lonely again I hate this

-
I dream I am in a relationship with Elisabeth Lau. Actually the dream begins with her confessing to me. These dreams are always so nice... I hate this. Why must I always dream of fantasies, never substance? Why do I now long for someone I was never even talked to, let alone was friends with? I’ve been calling with Mikayla recently. But I wish I had a friend. Maybe she’s a friend. I don’t know what friends are anymore. I hate dreams. They always remind me of how awful my loneliness is. I’m fine for months and then bam, one night passes and life is fucking miserable again. I just wish I had a friend—no, something more than a friend. Maybe. I don't know what a friend is anymore. I want someone I can talk to whenever I want, who enjoys me enough to seek me out on their own. But can you call that a friend? I think you can, but experience has shown me other people don’t. Other people think you’re weird, or a creep, or desperate if you come on so strongly. So I come here. God I’m ...
Read more

eternal sunshine, kissing, and handholding

-
Hey, I’m starting a new series. One about plans for my future girlfriend/wife. For reference. I don’t want to forget these ideas. First, Eternal Sunshine. We HAVE to watch this movie. First or second date. Or third. Honestly I don’t care we just HAVE to watch it, I love it so much. I’ve watched it three times now. That’s in the past month. Second, kissing. When I stayed at Marian’s house, her dog Hamlet would pounce on me every morning with a flurry of kisses. I know it’s just a dog, but... I really liked that. It made me feel loved. I want to make sure that my wife feels that way, so I kiss my wife every day. In the morning, when I wake up, and when we go to bed, regardless of if she’s aware of it or not. Those two are the very minimum. Even if I’m grumpy or upset. I want to remind myself—and remind her—that I love her. Third, I will always hold her hands if we come to argue. Heck, I’ll hold her hand everywhere. This one I’m sure I won’t forget because I practically practice it ...
Read more