this... has lasted longer than i expected. thoughts on my demons, honestly this is just a rant it goes all over the place
At times like these I really wonder if I have dysthymia or episodic depression. (I know I don't. I hope.) I'm still going through my lonely/empty/depression phase.
It's not even my dark/disturbed phase, it's just the fucking 'depressed' phase. This is the longest it's lasted--ever. One of the reasons why I don't consider it depression is because it never lasts the required two weeks. It comes and goes, sometimes with months in between. But it's day ten, man. It's day ten.
The second (and largest/most important, imo) reason is because I know it's not for no reason. I never feel worthless, and I never lose hope (the LORD--He is God! The LORD--He is God! hahaha). Doesn't make it suck any less, but I am incredibly strong mentally. I know this. I can suffer through all things. And in my suffering God is made greater--God makes me strong. I will survive.
I only have a few months... God, answer my prayer. Please, you know what I desire. But your will be done, not mine. Give me strength and wisdom. Please, answer my prayer. Is it not good?
Oh... the demons are lurking. Ah... I cannot talk about this to anyone. I've told my friends here a half-truth: only Adam knows the reality of the situation. But I cannot say, I cannot say--especially not to her. Oh, God! Must I struggle with this all my life? FUck ufkc fuck ufkc ufkc me man, why am I so fucking treacherous? Haha... Adam, maybe you got the better end of the deal. At least you have an excuse to talk to girls. I... I must be forever wary of children. My demons are lurking. I am a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Okay, it's 3 AM right now but I couldn't sleep all night because, well... yeah. I told Hanah I'd leave her be because I thought she sounded tired and didn't really want to talk to me, so I've been trying to fall asleep since 11 but I couldn't and I was really hungry too you know. But guess what it's Monday now so haaaaaaaaahahahhahah I get to eat but I shouldn't because it's late.
But I can't go to sleep and I'm seriously struggling here. But not about anything I can tell any of you guys. Sure, the friendship thing is a huge struggle. But can anyone really know me? The reason why I'm so careful about friends is because I have some serious secrets. Like game-ending, going-to-prison, he's-a-fucking-shit-waste-of-life level of secret. And that is the defining moment of if you're a close friend of mine or not.
I've been clean for a while though. 15 days. And I've been clean from the other shit for months now. Oh, fuck... I'm seriously considering deleting this all. It's pretty damn incriminating.
Ah. "Defining moment of if you're a close friend of mine or not". Hanah said she would still be friends, but didn't know if we could be close friends. Well the hell with that, Hanah, I want to be as close as I can to you. But right now I don't really know how because I'm still confused about what boundaries I'm supposed to uphold with you. Does that mean that you don't think we will end up being close, or does that mean you don't want to be close? Are you still avoiding me, are you still actively trying to spend less time with me, am I supposed to talk to you, am I supposed to try, etc? What boundaries am I working with here, man? But then there's the whole other issue of 'Jacob's actually a terrible person, he tries really hard to be good, he really does, but in the end he's still terrible'. But I mean everyone's a terrible person. But there is... a darkness in me that you may never truly understand.
I think that's another thing that makes me so alone. I'm tired of... all that darkness, but at the same time, you have to understand it in order to understand me. But who wants that?
I wrote a paragraph about it just now, but then I deleted it. Yeah, I'm tired of talking about it so much. I used to talk about it or write about it just fine, but that was before I realized how nobody gives a shit or has the stomach to talk about it. And now I'm just tired of it. I try really hard, you know... Do I burn out?
I've been burning out since the beginning of last summer, Hanah.
And look how far God has gotten me.
Haha, I'm addressing this to you primarily because I feel as though you're my only consistent reader. I was really surprised when you told me that you were up to date last time, really! And you tell me your thoughts--hey, that makes me really happy!
Haha... and I'm leaving, soon...
You know the reason why I don't want you to push other people away? Because it takes literally forever to find good friends. Yeah, I might be older than you, and yeah, I might be a guy, but listen, it's taken me four years to find someone. And it kind of really sucked. And you're used to having a family, an older brother--I think it'd be much harder for you than it was for me. And it was already hard for me. I don't want you to learn the hard way. I think that friendships are such a rarity, it'd be foolish to turn away something so precious.
Hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it really is different for you. Maybe you'll find close friends within a month of David and myself leaving. and if that's the case, I won't be upset over being wrong. I'd be glad. Glad you could find something so beautiful, so rare, so quickly. Glad you won't be alone.
It always returns to this topic, huh...
Okay. I'll end with this thought. Break the cycle.
B-hops stand for Bunnyhops right? So maybe B-Boys are actually just bunny boys because they jump around so much. HEH. BOOM. CYCLE BROKEN.
Yeah... I hate school breaks. They always make the loneliness--- OKAY WHAT HAPPENED TO STOPPING THE CYCLE HUh WE'RE ENDING THE POST RIGHT HERE.
It's not even my dark/disturbed phase, it's just the fucking 'depressed' phase. This is the longest it's lasted--ever. One of the reasons why I don't consider it depression is because it never lasts the required two weeks. It comes and goes, sometimes with months in between. But it's day ten, man. It's day ten.
The second (and largest/most important, imo) reason is because I know it's not for no reason. I never feel worthless, and I never lose hope (the LORD--He is God! The LORD--He is God! hahaha). Doesn't make it suck any less, but I am incredibly strong mentally. I know this. I can suffer through all things. And in my suffering God is made greater--God makes me strong. I will survive.
I only have a few months... God, answer my prayer. Please, you know what I desire. But your will be done, not mine. Give me strength and wisdom. Please, answer my prayer. Is it not good?
Oh... the demons are lurking. Ah... I cannot talk about this to anyone. I've told my friends here a half-truth: only Adam knows the reality of the situation. But I cannot say, I cannot say--especially not to her. Oh, God! Must I struggle with this all my life? FUck ufkc fuck ufkc ufkc me man, why am I so fucking treacherous? Haha... Adam, maybe you got the better end of the deal. At least you have an excuse to talk to girls. I... I must be forever wary of children. My demons are lurking. I am a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Okay, it's 3 AM right now but I couldn't sleep all night because, well... yeah. I told Hanah I'd leave her be because I thought she sounded tired and didn't really want to talk to me, so I've been trying to fall asleep since 11 but I couldn't and I was really hungry too you know. But guess what it's Monday now so haaaaaaaaahahahhahah I get to eat but I shouldn't because it's late.
But I can't go to sleep and I'm seriously struggling here. But not about anything I can tell any of you guys. Sure, the friendship thing is a huge struggle. But can anyone really know me? The reason why I'm so careful about friends is because I have some serious secrets. Like game-ending, going-to-prison, he's-a-fucking-shit-waste-of-life level of secret. And that is the defining moment of if you're a close friend of mine or not.
I've been clean for a while though. 15 days. And I've been clean from the other shit for months now. Oh, fuck... I'm seriously considering deleting this all. It's pretty damn incriminating.
Ah. "Defining moment of if you're a close friend of mine or not". Hanah said she would still be friends, but didn't know if we could be close friends. Well the hell with that, Hanah, I want to be as close as I can to you. But right now I don't really know how because I'm still confused about what boundaries I'm supposed to uphold with you. Does that mean that you don't think we will end up being close, or does that mean you don't want to be close? Are you still avoiding me, are you still actively trying to spend less time with me, am I supposed to talk to you, am I supposed to try, etc? What boundaries am I working with here, man? But then there's the whole other issue of 'Jacob's actually a terrible person, he tries really hard to be good, he really does, but in the end he's still terrible'. But I mean everyone's a terrible person. But there is... a darkness in me that you may never truly understand.
I think that's another thing that makes me so alone. I'm tired of... all that darkness, but at the same time, you have to understand it in order to understand me. But who wants that?
I wrote a paragraph about it just now, but then I deleted it. Yeah, I'm tired of talking about it so much. I used to talk about it or write about it just fine, but that was before I realized how nobody gives a shit or has the stomach to talk about it. And now I'm just tired of it. I try really hard, you know... Do I burn out?
I've been burning out since the beginning of last summer, Hanah.
And look how far God has gotten me.
Haha, I'm addressing this to you primarily because I feel as though you're my only consistent reader. I was really surprised when you told me that you were up to date last time, really! And you tell me your thoughts--hey, that makes me really happy!
Haha... and I'm leaving, soon...
You know the reason why I don't want you to push other people away? Because it takes literally forever to find good friends. Yeah, I might be older than you, and yeah, I might be a guy, but listen, it's taken me four years to find someone. And it kind of really sucked. And you're used to having a family, an older brother--I think it'd be much harder for you than it was for me. And it was already hard for me. I don't want you to learn the hard way. I think that friendships are such a rarity, it'd be foolish to turn away something so precious.
Hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it really is different for you. Maybe you'll find close friends within a month of David and myself leaving. and if that's the case, I won't be upset over being wrong. I'd be glad. Glad you could find something so beautiful, so rare, so quickly. Glad you won't be alone.
It always returns to this topic, huh...
Okay. I'll end with this thought. Break the cycle.
B-hops stand for Bunnyhops right? So maybe B-Boys are actually just bunny boys because they jump around so much. HEH. BOOM. CYCLE BROKEN.
Yeah... I hate school breaks. They always make the loneliness--- OKAY WHAT HAPPENED TO STOPPING THE CYCLE HUh WE'RE ENDING THE POST RIGHT HERE.
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