thoughts on why idc about relationships

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I was surfing Reddit, came across these two videos of babies laughing. I thought to myself, "That's beautiful".

And I thought, "I want that. I want a family". Families are such beautiful things... the videos are of families sharing such wonderful moments... and I've realized that a wife is literally the most beautiful thing in the world (second to God hehe). It's... just so good.

But I've long held the position that I'm never going to marry and, as a consequence, never take part in that most sacred, intimate relationship, never know what it feels like to be a lover, never know what it feels like to hold my child...

I want to marry. I know I do. But I've denied myself for a while now... but why?

I'm not entirely sure because regardless, I don't think marriage is something I should be thinking about right now, regardless of my desires and no, the irony isn't lost on me.

But a large part of me thinks it's because I'm afraid. Of myself. I know it's not going to be happy sunshine like in the videos. I know there'd be bad times as well, but I also know it'd be worth it.

But I also know a part of my masochistic self relishes the thought of tragedy, of suffering. But I dread the thought that I might become antagonistic. And the truth is, I'd be bad at marriage. For all nonexistent fangirls out there, you'd be better off spending your time... wait, am I supposed to say something good here? Like, "you'd be better off spending your time with your family than reading this blog"? Or do I say something bad, like "you'd be better off spending your time counting down from 1000 by 7's than reading this blog"? idk.

TL;DR I have bad experiences, I'm looking forward to it too much, I'm still screwed up, and I won't ever be good enough, so no.

The more I write about it, the more I want to, and the less it sounds like a bad idea.

But it still sounds like a bad idea. I know it is. So I'm still not going to.

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