Open Scribbles

today i was reminded that my dog is dying. he has been getting better but today i was reminded that he is not healthy, and he will be gone soon. i have not slept with him since coming home because when it is hard for him to breath, he gasps so violently and grows so weak that he loses control of his bowels. i have not shown him off to ashley for this reason. he is too weak for me to play with, to cuddle, to caress anymore. sometimes he seems alright. but these moments never last. even now as i am typing after playing with him and feeding carrots after dinner i can hear him gasping. each breath is like a whimper. and now i am afraid to sleep with him. what if one day i wake up, and he does not? i suppose then he will have died sleeping next to me. not a bad thing. but every moment with him grows more painful. sometimes i feel as though i would rather have such ends snapped off with violence. not this suffocating withering, even though i know the loss would be just as painful. every time...

marian ? i played a game with marian ? me? two years later ? and the first thing i do is write a post ? why do i always feel like when I am in a discord call people do not hear me? It is like i am invisible. I am laughing alone. afterwards the single game we played she messaged me, "WAS NICE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN" and all of a sudden i am thrown into the terrible abyss of longing to be seen and heard and known and held. i guess that's why i love the theater. i will call ashley now.

i am constantly wondering if my posts are read now. why was this last post so vulnerable? i am afraid.

can't sleep for my life rn. I find myself growing fonder and fonder of Ashley. As fond as I am of Megan, even. There is a hole burning in my chest as I write this. I knew what she meant when she said, "I think this relationship will make me sad." I didn't need to ask. But I asked, anyways. I wanted to hear her say it. Why does she like me? It would be so much easier if she didn't. I would love her quietly like I do with the others. Write about her, think about her, dream about her. I dreamt about her three times this week. I didn't tell her about them though. Why can't she be Christian? Maybe it's for the best. I imagine I would be far too distracted if she was; I can't trust myself to handle a relationship without failing school--at the moment. Even as she is now, she has been so good to me. She has been good for me. Not without her flaws, of course; how much more beautiful she would be if she loved Christ! But she is someone nested within regardl...

 These aren't all my thoughts, but this is what I wrote: "Not every friendship is intimate. You can't expect that of everyone. Nor should friendships ever be a mere means of dulling the intolerable gnawing of your loneliness. You should love others for the sake of loving, not for the sake of easing your own pain. Loneliness is dangerous. Sometimes, in a strange way, we prefer it. Reality is often disappointing compared to the longsuffering relational fantasies our loneliness conjures up. The reality is, if you want friends, make them. 'The world is full of lonely people too afraid to make the first move." In addition to these things, Marian taught me that even people like her--people surrounded by others, by friends who seek them out--were lonely once. That good friends are made, not found. As one of my favorite writers, Brian Doyle, once wrote: 'Not until a few years ago did I realize that I was on earth not to be loved but to love. That's all. That's...

I work on a school project with mary. I don't remember what it is exactly, but I know there's some art involved and that it's a presentation. I remember she asks me if I know of Beastars . I tell her I am a huge fan, and then I think about how I say 'I'm a huge fan'  about too many things. I remember later in the dream she's looking at me when I'm not looking, and when I turn to look at her, she abashedly turns away. I think, is that what it's like, when girls catch me looking at them? It was a happy dream. I was happy just to be working with her. Nothing sexual, just... being liked by someone. Happiness. I wake up and I want to go back to sleep. I think I am a bit sad. Maybe this is because yesterday... I had a thought... ...Maybe Mary is like... Marian. I think it was my old Chill playlist that made me think this, but... Maybe I should avoid Mary. Being here in California--sometimes it feels everything is tinged with sadness. Maybe that's why s...