Open Scribbles

I work on a school project with mary. I don't remember what it is exactly, but I know there's some art involved and that it's a presentation. I remember she asks me if I know of Beastars . I tell her I am a huge fan, and then I think about how I say 'I'm a huge fan'  about too many things. I remember later in the dream she's looking at me when I'm not looking, and when I turn to look at her, she abashedly turns away. I think, is that what it's like, when girls catch me looking at them? It was a happy dream. I was happy just to be working with her. Nothing sexual, just... being liked by someone. Happiness. I wake up and I want to go back to sleep. I think I am a bit sad. Maybe this is because yesterday... I had a thought... ...Maybe Mary is like... Marian. I think it was my old Chill playlist that made me think this, but... Maybe I should avoid Mary. Being here in California--sometimes it feels everything is tinged with sadness. Maybe that's why s...

I've been listening to "Caraphernelia" on repeat today, and for some reason it reminds me of Megan. It feels weird to type here again after so long. It feels like an empty hallway. Abandoned. A reminder of all the times I didn't have anyone to talk to. Suddenly I feel like crying. I miss Megan. I lover her a lot. I had an idea the other day. Why do I like Megan so much? I thought, maybe it's because she liked me first. Back, all that time ago, when I was a fucking ass. She liked me, more than anyone outside my family ever did. There's a lot I like about her. She's nice. I don't share all her beliefs, but she has a strong sense of justice. She wants things to be right. She knows pain. She's beautiful. She's strong. She's outspoken. She's vulnerable. She was good to me. I want to talk to her a lot. I don't even know if we'd make good conversation, but I just really like her, and I want to tell her. Even if she already knows. I rea...