Open Scribbles

my heart is so full right now I miss everyone so much. I love you all. So. Much. I want to cry, not because I’m sad, but because my heart is so full it hurts. I miss you guys so so so so much but there’s not much I can do now. You know how we wish we knew the good days while we were still in them? Well I wish I knew who I loved before I left them. And now I realize what it means to love in the moment. I can’t wait to meet them.

stupid thing im writing this instantly because i want to get a hold of my thoughts i dont know why but marian told me her friend's bf goes to wheaton and im like "oh" but really what i mean is "great. really great to hear. i don't why but that pisses me off and so fuck off." but what that really means is "should i know him? fuck. thanks for reminding me of how i don't know anyone. about how lonely i've been. about how much freshman year fucking sucked." which led me down this train of thought which was i kind of wish i didnt go to wheaton. everyone goes to wheaton. everyone knows about wheaton. everyone knows people who go to wheaton. i wish i was lower profile. i wish nobody knew me except for the people who cared. i wish i could just disappear and just be jade fang. not jacob zhou, the shutin who nobody knows or cares about. people like jade fang. people ask to play with him, on valorant at least. which kind of sucks...

WHILE IM HERE i realized I might as well update you all on Marian. It shouldn't be much of a surprise, considering this blog's history, that I like Marian. For a long time I didn't know if I really liked her or not, but GUESS WHAT I DO. A few days ago I told her how I feel even though I knew she already liked someone else. But it was nice because I could finally admit to myself how I felt and because I could say whatever I want to her without worrying about the existing friendship. I told her she was the prettiest person I'd ever seen. I was completely serious. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that somewhere on this godforsaken blog before, if not multiple times. It's insane now all I want to do is talk about Marian. Marian this Marian that. How pretty she is. How kind she is. How smart she is. How trustworthy she is. How sensible she is. How empathetic she is. And I have no one to talk to, and even if I could I don't know if it'd be right to t...

they dont care about me. im sitting here, bored and alone all day, searching for someone to spend time with me. marian helped me realize i am doomed to be lonely if i never try to make friends. i do try, in both real life and online. today i reached out to many of my friends online because i am bored and i am lonely. nobody wants to spend time with me outside of games. this sucks a lot. i just want company. i just want someone to talk to. i mean, why wouldn't they? grace is spending time with her cousins. that's completely acceptable, right? of course you'd choose your cousins over someone you're just friends with online. but i have no one in real life. i am bored out of my mind, and i have no one to talk to. THIS. SUCKS.