Open Scribbles

i asked my brother if he wanted to play games with me he said no, he was afraid mom would yell at him i tell mom that nobody in the family wants to play with me anymore because they're afraid she'll yell at them my mom is a manipulative fucker at times so she asks him to tell her if he wants to play or not, but every time he says yes she says "looks like you failed the test, andrew" so of course he says "no, im not afraid of mom, i just dont want to play with you jacob" and mom says "see,  he knows whats the right thing to do" and my grandma says "just play with your friends" and i say "i have no friends" and my grandma, who is not so subtle in her disdain, says "then stop playing so much, you're going to be such a failure in college" and of course i am upset by this. i tell them that i give up on them, that nobody in my family will ever come to know me because they hate games too...

and I now realize, after years of embitterment and condescending cynicism that this is not a bad thing. This is not too short. Dating should not take so long--what reason is there to? Either you should or you shouldn't marry. Does it take that  long to figure out the answer to that question, as Christians dating for the sole purpose of that question? There is a reason so many Christians get married so early. And for the first time, I will be taking part in that process. Maybe. I want it so  bad, like you have no  idea how much I fucking want it, but I've kept my distance for the last 4 years so even the thought of it is... scary.

im lonely. what else am i to title the post? im afraid. for the future. i've never really been all that nervous to start school. i'm not now, either.  no, what i'm afraid of is that i'll be all alone... i've tasted it before... oh god, oh god...

hey man thanks for talking with me, if you come across this post just know that I appreciate you greatly. C:

Im at Wheaton. It’s the first day of school, and after a busy day I go to the hall for lunch. Apparently Franky is there with me. I’m talking to him about swimming, and Franky notices his friend, a girl whom I don’t remember. Might’ve been Ashley. And this girl is with her friend, Meagan. We are eating lunch etc etc, and when there’s a lull in the conversation I ask Meagan if she remembers me from middle school, but every time I try to speak I get cut off. Franky notices and smiles sympathetically. Finally she hears me, but she looks confused. She doesn’t remember me.

same dealios as Meagan going to Calvin. Fooey. Guess it makes sense, they were friends at church. No doubt I’ll wonder “what if I went to Calvin” in the future. It would’ve been fun to meet up with them again. I honestly really want to know, you know? I’m so curious about what life has been like for them, what it was like to grow up where I had to leave. And it would’ve been fun to pop up like “hey hey it’s me haha, how u doin, do u remember me?”

I meet Jordan. After all these years, I finally meet Jordan again. We make great friends. I tell him about everything. I don’t really remember much, to be honest. But I when I wake up, I realize that me meeting Jordan was a dream and am honestly a bit devastated. But when I fall asleep again, there he is, and we continue the dream as before, picking up where we left off. And I wake up and fall asleep on and off, and every time Jordan is there waiting, and I wonder if this is reality and me sleeping is just the dream. But I realize I will leave him eventually, when the day continues—it is a lucid dream—so I decide to make the most of what we have.

I see a lot of people here who remind me of Alice. Short, short black hair, round faces. I’ve got to text her sometime, and text her regularly into the year. Make sure she’s okay. Being in Japan has reminded me that Marian still hasn’t returned my books. I wonder if she’s finished When I Whistle yet. I really love the books, but it’s okay if she keeps them. But at the same time, will they ever see any use if she does? Perhaps I should ask for them back. I need her to read Silence . I saw a lot of deer yesterday at Nara. I wanted to stroke them. And I realized I’ve wanted to let animals like this all my life, even as a child. I wanted to pet birds especially, they were just so pretty. And I thought, maybe my desire to touch them is like why I want to touch girls, even as a kid, even when I have no conception of sex. I want to touch them and be close just because they’re pretty. Because they’re beautiful. Like God. I’ve had a couple of dreams in the past few days but I haven’t had...

Hey, I’m starting a new series. One about plans for my future girlfriend/wife. For reference. I don’t want to forget these ideas. First, Eternal Sunshine. We HAVE to watch this movie. First or second date. Or third. Honestly I don’t care we just HAVE to watch it, I love it so much. I’ve watched it three times now. That’s in the past month. Second, kissing. When I stayed at Marian’s house, her dog Hamlet would pounce on me every morning with a flurry of kisses. I know it’s just a dog, but... I really liked that. It made me feel loved. I want to make sure that my wife feels that way, so I kiss my wife every day. In the morning, when I wake up, and when we go to bed, regardless of if she’s aware of it or not. Those two are the very minimum. Even if I’m grumpy or upset. I want to remind myself—and remind her—that I love her. Third, I will always hold her hands if we come to argue. Heck, I’ll hold her hand everywhere. This one I’m sure I won’t forget because I practically practice it ...

Thank God for this blog. I’m currently in China. There’s a whole lot of stuff running through my mind right now. ... Today I was reading a manga. I haven’t touched manga in forever... but even so, I decided to try one. It’s a romance, and it’s okay... GAAAH I’m just so sad right now. I don’t want to set the scene, I just want to pour my emotions into paper. Tell SOMEONE. basically there’s a character that reminded me of Hanah, and now I can’t stop thinking about her again. I’m just so sad. That and my grandpa(s) are dying. Isn’t it strange? An entire life lived, just gone... and we value books for their wisdom. What about the entire decades, reduced to toothless grins and muted waves by a stroke? And finally... my cousin. People, I hope you don’t know me in real life because I’m about to drop a bombshell. I sexually abused my cousin six-seven years ago. I’m finally meeting her again for the first time since then. She’s in sixth grade now. I need closure. I need to fucking a...

To quote:  Based off data from the 4th of July last year: 51% of convos happened during  late night shifts between10 pm - 6 am. During our 2 am - 4 am shift, there was an 81% increase in convos and a 48% increase between 4am - 6am, compared to other dates. The top words mentioned were “fireworks” and “rape”. Last year, there was a 15% increase in conversations tagged with sexual assault and conversations were 10% more likely to be tagged as medium or high risk.