Open Scribbles

I was in church today and in the announcements, two new church-members were welcomed into their mokjangs. And it ended up making my mind wander and I started thinking about the kids from when I had a mokjang. Gosh, I miss them. Lina and Bella and Lauren and Joon and... And then I remembered Hanah. Her mother. And I realized... yikes. I'm still hurt by it. I haven't thought about it in a while, but seriously, what a shame. You were so close, Hanah. I would have been a great friend. I know it! During the service I fantasized that you hadn't turned away, that we were still friends, talking in the room together about how our weeks had been, our needs and desires, our fears, our hopes. That when you were unsure that you'd come to me as you did before, and that I'd always be there to help. It is what I offer everyone--and you, of all the people I've talked to this year, were the closest to realizing it, to making it reality. It's a shame. I try to appl...

Jeremy from Sci-fi is chewing gum. Somehow he chews too much gum. Like at least 3 pounds, but it's actually way more. There's some nuclear-meltdown kind of shit going down with everyone becoming over-chewed gum hybrid monsters. We drive around in jeeps. I am reminded of "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream".

Basically the gist of the dream is I am wanting comfort but nobody will provide it. In the dream, I am traumatized by a death. I relive the night I went to the church prayer meeting. I am rejected there. I turn to my mom. She won’t stop talking and never listens and I give up there. I end up crying, like fucking wailing with grief, in front of everyone... but nobody will come to console me. I wake up with my heart broken and this terribly sad clarity. Like the kind of clarity you get after a long, long night of crying. — I have been terribly lonely ever since I woke up. And since this evening I have, all of a sudden, been overwhelmed by this intense desire to see Marian.  Fancy sprung back into my mind like a cancer. I have a lurking suspicion... I wonder about what Mr. Dance said... This summer is going to suck ass. Just gonna have to grit my teeth and get through it.

I am... stressed. By the conversation. I am restless. My church has prayer nights every night. I'd never gone to one, but I was wanting prayer after my talk with M. I wanted comfort. Advice, counsel, a hug. So I went the next day. The sermon was in Korean. I didn't understand any of it. The prayer was congregational. The congregation prayed en masse, but not together. It was a dark room filled with people praying for themselves out loud. I had no comfort. I prayed and prayed for the entire hour but I had no comfort. There's this lady, Jennifer. She's a teacher there at the church. I'm there alone, so she wonders why I came. I said I wanted prayer. I tried telling her everything about M, but she just could not stop talking. She was a terrible listener. She kept accusing that I wasn't a real Christian because I don't read the Bible enough. She kept saying "I don't have much experience with suicide and all this mental health stuff so ke...

Last Monday she reached out to me. It was around 2 AM, and she was hurting, I could tell. It was all I could do to keep her company. But she doesn't trust me, remember? But I told her that since we aren't minors anymore, Mandated Reporting no longer applies. So she decides to trust me again. She tells me she wanted to kill herself today but was "too much of a coward" so she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend instead. She can tell me anything she wants, and she knows, so of course the first thing after she talks about is the sex. It's very strange to think that my friend is no longer a virgin. But then again... I am no stranger to sexual disclosures. But it's still weird. Because of course if she describes having sex then I have to imagine her having sex and it's just strange okay she's the same age as me can we move on now. But of course the boyfriend is some guy who's only in it for the sex. And all the while she's talking to ...

Hey guys. I'm writing this post because I'm tired and lonely and bored and I don't have my dog to comfort me tonight. Lucky you, Marian. I hope you are cuddling with him. He's the greatest dog in the world. I'm writing in full sentences and proper punctuation because I'd like to do this properly. Spend some time on this. Last Monday I talked with... a friend I'm going to call "M". I talked to her for the first time in a long time. I haven't talked with her in so long... She used to like me, back when we were both freshmen. She used to text me late at night about cutting herself and her nails and I would wake up to pictures of me and over a hundred unread messages. So... I cut ties with her. Sophomore and Junior year I worked to make amends. I officially apologized Junior year. I sat next to her on the bus, looked her in the eyes, said with the utmost gravity, the utmost sincerity, the utmost humility I had, I'm sorry. I was wrong. W...

I've realized there is a fundamental difference in the desires of the Heretic and those of Moana. The two conflicting desires introduced to us in Moana  are Moana's desire for the Sea and her desire to please her community. The desire of the Heretic is to save the lives of those around him. But it's not relatable. Not like Moana's is. Yet Moana's desire for the ocean is far less rational and has no backstory whatsoever to back it up, and still we end up yearning for the great big blue alongside her. So why is it so compelling? And why is the supported, rational, supposedly emotional desire of "I don't want people to die" so lifeless? It's this. The desire is a lack  of something. He doesn't want something, he wants to not  have something. It's more akin to Moana's desire to please her community. She doesn't want to please them, but rather she wants to not disappoint them. Which can be a powerful motivator, too...

I'm on a car ride with Marian. We're just chilling, I'm not sure if we're talking or not. But I notice her hand's on my thigh. So I gently place her hand elsewhere, but she puts it back on my thigh. So I just hold her hand instead so that she doesn't put it on my thigh. She smiles and I think she falls asleep on my shoulder. During all of this, I feel happy. *** I'm at this school place, I think it's a reunion. I mope around, there's nobody there that I know. I'm hoping to see Katya, but it's just wishful thinking, like when I hope to see Meagan when I visit church back in IL. After a few hours I leave. But it's a dream, and I suppose in my dreams wishful thinking reigns supreme because just as I'm leaving, I bump into Katya. "Oh, you're leaving too?" she asks me. We chat a bit. I just want to tell her about everything, about you-know-who and you-know-who and you-know-who and how she tried to kill herself aga...

I was ARAMing, going to play ranked after. And in the chat I see, "wo hao shang xin". I ask him what's wrong, and he tells me there's this girl he loves but she won't have him and he can't stop thinking about her. And I don't know how I can help him, so I tell him that, and he says, "well, you could keep me company." And that reminds me my mom. When she's sad, she tells me that a lot. I add him and we play some league. He's about a year and a half younger than me, is going back to China to his family in 6 days, and is just cannot stop thinking about this girl. He tells me he's feeling a bit depressed. He's from Canada. Two ARAMs later, he thanks me and tells me it's late, so he's heading to bed. Now that he's gone, why do I feel so... lonely?

Good day. Had a tough time working but I made myself do it. It's a discipline, I suppose. The work is most definitely not  fun. I love my work, but that doesn't mean it isn't still work. I had something I wanted to write about with the conversation I had today, but I'm kind of tired and I don't remember anymore... Word Cloud (6/6/19)

It's always heartbreaking to talk with those broken by love. It's a different kind of sadness. I just want to love them in place of their lost romances, for them to feel a little less alone. "i love that there is somewhere out there like this. it is such a blessing and honestly i was trying to fine absolutely anyone i could talk to. i appreciate you listening to me and taking your time to try and help me" Word Cloud (6/2/19)

I can do this. They need me as much as those I know in person. ... hjsfffashgwhwaaaagsdjka;soifjl;fahwegheuaiwehjklgdsojafsdfha kjlhfaskljdfh ashfiauwehufaeesaaauhdjuejhaaaaajkiuughjklajsdguhvnjkvcm i n e e d t o r e s t . but they need me. But I NEED to care of myself! I asked my supervisor tonight what helps with the burnout. She said the Texter Feels, and she's right. I'm going to be posting those from here on out. Personally, I find re-reading my favorite conversations to be even more soothing. But obviously, I can't share that here. *** "I fell asleep towards the end of the conversation but at the beginning of it there's no way I would've been able to get to sleep. I'm still not sure exactly how I feel or anything but I do appreciate your help Because I was able to calm down and such with your help. Thank you." "I am better and thank you for helping" "You're a [scrubbed] and i appreciate you...

Last night was graduation. During the whole event I had this overbearing sense of loneliness, not the sense that I had no friends, but that nobody truly knew me, that nobody could understand what this year has meant to me, how much I have suffered, how much I have given, how much I love my friends and am afraid for not my future, but theirs. I was in grief. My mom wondered why I was so sad, so upset. I guess I really have no expressions because my mom couldn't tell I was so troubled until I told her over and over again. And when I got into the car, I couldn't hold it in. I didn't have to hold it in, not anymore. I cried and cried and cried, curled up in the front seat, wiping my tears on my knees as my mom stroked my back, wondering why? And I told her it's because I am in such suffering. It is so, so hard. It's not that I have no friends. It's not that I'm lonely. It's because of my dear precious friends. The ones who want to kill themselves. I m...