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And it's of the secret, very important variety. Fasting is so much easier now that I have this prayer request. I need God for this as much as I need food to live. I understand fasting so much more now. God, I'm so hungry but I want this more. I want this so much more. Please, I'm so hungry ahahahaha

Today I came across this wonderful video. Oh, the memories. I’ve been missing the jam sessions from HoneyRock. I just want to sing. The two songs on Fridays and the three songs on Sundays are nowhere near enough. I spend the hour before service worshipping most of the time, but it’s not enough either. And it’s alone. I want to jammmmm my dudes. Jam with Wangai, Max... the unity in music is so beautiful. Singing for no reason but to worship. Late at night, when we could be playing games, swimming, sleeping, but instead choosing to use our free time to worship with each other because worship is so... fulfilling. I miss it. Just praising God for hours, hours on end in song. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to do so with David. Does he have the time? To sing for, what, three hours? Hahaha I guess it seems kind of extreme when you put it like that. But the time just flies by so fast. Hmm... List for next time: Hosanna (Praise is Rising) Te Amo Glorious Everlasting God You is Go...

As bad as it sounds, I don’t. I would prefer spending time with friends away from home, or alone. I am not a fan of ‘family time’. It’s why I like carpooling, it’s why I dislike school breaks, it’s why I would spend even more time away from home if I could. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still my family. But they’re not people I would be friends with. Everything my Dad says is literally a waste of breath. Man I sound toxic but I swear, this man just cannot stop talking. Literally every statement he makes is to impress upon others how much he ‘knows’. I like my mom, but we don’t really share interests. She’s not very good at English or philosophy or  literary analysis, which is okay. But she doesn’t even try to. And that’s not okay with me. So I never really know what to say to my mom, I don’t really trust her judgement (she doesn’t talk about religion ever, unlike Jane), and she just kind of doesn’t care about any of the things I’m interested in. Oh, and if you didn’t know already...

Here are my thoughts. I've never enjoyed parties or large school events or dances and such. As Mr. Rubio said, "the kids were having a riot." I can't do that. Every time I’m in such a place my mind goes back to... darker things. Nothing against dances and such inherently. It is what you make of it. It's just that acts like Paulo's remind me of how misguided the children are. No, Paul, that is not love. You are wrong. You are spreading a lie. Happiness is not the most important thing in life. It is okay to be unhappy. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. It is good to suffer, as long as it is in Christ. Likewise, it is good to be happy, but only truly so if it is in Christ. So while activities like Mr. Dublin aren't inherently bad, the community's general attitude/approach towards it is not good. Which is why I don't enjoy it. I enjoy jokes, wordplays, laughing with friends. But that isn't meaningless, not at all, becau...

I'm laying on a... day bed? Love seat? Couch bed? Pullout sofa? Honestly I don't remember what, it's one of those small beds, but anyways I'm laying on it with Hanah, side by side, not totally, like I'm sitting upright but I'm really  laid back, if that makes sense. We're not hugging or anything we're just side by side, watching a move. I feel like a pig-in-a-blanket. A lil' hot dog, hehe. But we're still touching. I'm reminded of how my arm was touching Marian's arm on the armrest for a few moments before I noticed and turned my body away. It's very much the same in the dream. My arm's pressed against hers, it's not that bad but I try to make some room and scoot away from her because we're not like that and though it doesn't make me uncomfortable, I'm very wary of female touch. But she scoots closer! And I'm like okay touching arms/shoulders aren't that bad, I guess it's fine. So I just lay back with...

Every heart yearns to be adored I have soul-circuitry too(?) unfilled— a galactic hegemon, a Pietà of thought, desire over nothing— even when I want to stop Giving and start taking for I hunger like Benny in the belly-pits of Hell, see the torture / hope in every face you meet?

I'm just going to summarize what I told my therapist. I don't usually expect much from people. It's the way I've grown up. People suck. Nobody cares about me, and that's okay. I don't expect them to. But then once in a while, something will happen that will remind me that Wow, friends are really  nice. And I don't mean 'friends', I mean real friends. Adam level friends. RJ level friends. The vulnerable, mutual, intimate kind of friend. I think about you all the time kind of friend. So nobody at school, and not quite Marian or David, either. You’re close, but not quite. Sorry guys. But somebody or something will remind me of how nice it is to have friends. And soon after, I'll fall into a bout of serious loneliness. This happens when I went to HoneyRock (both years) and got to spend time with Adam or RJ; when I came back the emptiness was agonizing. This happened at the beginning of this year when I started spending more time with Marian...

Why do you care so much for Alice, for Geormond? Why are you so afraid? Because they are not saved. They will die. I do not fear for my friends because they are saved. There is no fear in their love. They know God, and so no harm can come to them, so I am not afraid. I have total confidence. But I cannot say that for everyone. But it is not in my control. God is good; even if they fall, God is good, and He uses all things for his purpose. Who can question the LORD?—He is God! I am at peace. EDIT: hahAA mayday mayday the loneliness is agonizing, help? no it will be okay it sucks real bad right now but I will ride it out, I can endure, man does not live by bread or the praise of man, I am alone but I will be okay.

I was rereading my journal, and I want to cry, there's a pressure building within me that I can never let loose so I just rest and read and try to find peace... This journal entry  will stand dear to my heart forever. That is right... Recently I have forgotten to find rest in everything, to teach through life, to be fearless against failure. I will find rest in my friendships, not fear. I will teach them through life and in my failures. And I will cherish. Cherish what time I have. My God, my God , I miss my children so, so much. My rest ended a long time ago. And as these last months come to an end, I must not falter. I'm so tired. God, I'm so tired. Please, I feel so alone but it will be alright, I've known from the start that God is all I need, companionship is a blessing but God is all you need, we were not meant to live life alone but God is all you need, I will find my strength in Him because honestly I have no other choice right now, I haven't even left f...

Cookie is not a human. He's a dog. An animal. Nothing but a soulless body seeking warmth and food and shelter. Strange how when we say to people, "You're nothing but a dog, an animal", it is insulting, but we take those very truths and ignore them when it comes to pets. You are just an animal, Cookie. Without a soul, without lasting worth. I could kill you and it would be of no real consequence. You are just an "it". A thing. Nothing more.

Empty doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. With Alice it was... mourning. Devastating grief and loss. But this, though just as intense, this is something different. I feel so, so empty. Unsatisfied. Hungry. I miss my kids. I miss them so, so much. You don't understand. You can't understand. I miss my kids, Oh, how I miss my kids... I love Mokjang, I really do. I love the children, I love teaching them, I love taking care of them, and when I work with Hanah it especially reminds me of my Co's, how we used to cover each other's backs, always thinking of the other and the kids, always watching and correcting and working with grace and love and I'm reminded yet again of the unity of marriage for which I hunger so greatly. I love it. It is the highlight of my week, every week. It is the one thing I look forwards to the most. But Mokjang is so much less compared to counseling, let alone parenting. We do not spend every waking moment we have with t...

I keep thinking about Isaiah and Geormond and Jake and all my other kids and what they're doing and how they've been and if they're okay and if they're still alive. I wonder how one might feel after drinking Kool-Aid for the first time in two weeks and how the other might think back to that night on the wagon talking about stars and death and love and all the things a twelve-year-old might dream about. And I keep thinking about that young man whose friend was raped and if he ever confronted his now rapist friend and how he's changed and what God's done since he's returned home, if the girl is alright and if justice has been wrought and if peace has been found, if she'll ever come to forgive their best friend who maimed her. And I think about the two girls, strangers to each other, whose mothers had died in the last year and I wonder at the miracle of life in that dark cabin one night in the Northwoods of Wisconsin where two broken hearts found each other...

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't remember anymore. But I remember the swimming part was like at one of those fountains that are purely for landscaping, except nobody was giving any hecks. I contemplate jumping in. I see Marvin. That's about it. I play league with Marian and I don't remember anything else or any specifics.

I want to spend time with David. David wants to 'get big' so he joins a football team. I join with him. His family goes on a vacation to some beachside. I want to join, but I back off. I've spent enough time with his family. *** I'm in some cafeteria--I think it's Chrouser, but the lunch tables are those from middle school--and I'm looking for a seat. I have dream-knowledge that Hanah wants me to sit with her. I don't know where she is! I wander, looking for her. *** I'm alone with David's mom. From here on out I'll just call her Jane. I realize this is the time. I ask her about Hanah. It's peaceful. *** Hanah's afraid. She's afraid of losing me. She doesn't want me to leave. Nothing physical this dream, we're just talking. Trying to assuage her fears. I want to prepare her for when she's alone. Shh... shh... I know... It's okay. It's okay... *** RJ was in this dream. I don't remember anything...

I'm so sad right now. I've been heartbroken since 3:40 PM this afternoon. Today I forgot I had my counselor's appointment. It's Monday, but we don't have school today, so I forgot. Because it's not something I actively remember is 4 PM each week, it's more like "After school I have therapy". So today I didn't have school, so I forgot. So I started a game of League. I'm four minutes into the game when my mom comes charging into my room. "Jacob, we have to go!" she says. "You're playing games again ?" Her voice grows louder. "I'm giving you five minutes until we leave." In League, you get penalized if you leave the game. But the game can potentially end at fifteen minutes, and I'm now at minute five, so I tell her, "Can we leave in ten minutes?" "No!" She's furious. "Otherwise we will be late!" "It's only a five-minute difference!" "No...

I’m sad. I don’t know why; nobody’s died, nobody’s suicidal, nobody’s getting bullied or abused. So why am I sad...? Rejection. I thought I’d finally found someone who cares, and I don’t doubt that she doesn't—but her mom does not approve of the friendship. I have been rejected by the mother. I am sad. I really like her mom, you know? She’s one of the reasons why I started pursuing Hanah in the first place. She said she wanted Hanah to have good friends, and she seemed to think rather highly of me, so I thought she would have liked it if I grew close to Hanah. And when I was talking to Hanah on the car, the mom said we could continue by phone, so I thought... I thought... The week after I dreamt of Hanah sexually, Hanah started opening up to me. We grew closer. Two nights ago I dreamt of Hanah, but she... rebuffed me. Like she did today. And like the dream, maybe, she feels, we shouldn't be friends. And just like in the dream... I want it. But David's mom ha...

I'm sleeping on this big bed with David and Hanah. Hanah's curled up by David, and I'm off to the side. I... I pull Hanah towards me. I want to cuddle with her but... I'm hesitant. Something's telling me to be careful. That I shouldn't. Oh, but I want to, so bad. Dreams like these... I miss... She wakes up, and I let her go, afraid. She looks at me; she knows. It's not like she's upset with me, or that she's angry with me, or that she doesn't like it, she just gives me a look that says... "You shouldn't." *** Afterwards I'm hanging out by Wheaton. I see Max, and we chit chat. I'm not sure about what, but I think I'm watching one of his sports meets. That's about it.

I asked Hanah today if she thought of me as a friend. She said, "Uh, I don't know.. I didn't really want to say friend if you didn't think that so I just thought of you as a person [laughing face emoji 2x]" And then she asked me the same question. And I told her, "You're my friend." "Uh, I don't know." Oof. But of course, she must have a different outlook on things, considering her past history with friendships. She couldn't know how carefully I choose, know the weight friendship carries for me. Or maybe she does. Maybe that's why she doesn't know--for the same reason I'm writing this post, for the same reason I question my response. The same reason I now think to myself, "Are we friends?" Does she really know me? I don't think so. Do I really know her? I have a general idea, one with depth, but I wouldn't say I know  her. Not fully. Or close to fully. Not like I know Adam. But that's an...

I'm at a church, but the church is split. One half of it is having an educational meeting to teach children pro-transgender beliefs, and the other half of the church is protesting, splitting away. Things are falling apart. *** There's a movie we watch. It's a romance, like a K-Drama even, but right before the guy and girl get together they are separated by a group of thugs who beat the shit out of the guy before gang raping the girl. There's nothing left to the imagination: the girl is facing the camera while two men hold her down by the sides and a man forces himself onto her. She's screaming and crying, but she shuts the fuck up when the man shoves himself down her throat. There's not really much to say, I won't describe it further because I see no point in doing so. Later in the dream I tell Mr. Dance (who watched it with me, albeit not next to me) that it wasn't much worse than the rape scene in Irreversible . ...But why did I just dream ab...

Hanah and I are on the sofa, under the blankets (funnily enough, I am, the night of the dream, sleeping on the sofa under some blankets). She has a shirt on... sort of. She's wearing an unbuttoned blouse, and I'm not wearing a shirt at all. She rolls over onto me and presses her body against mine, but unlike other dreams where it isn’t explicitly sexual and I’m just cuddling (I’m referring to that one dream with Marian’s feet), I know this is sexual. It’s just one of those times where you just have the knowledge because you’re dreaming. I have the knowledge that this is one-hundred-percent sexual. I roll her over so she’s belly up and I’m on top, and she’s gasping, hard, and I can very distinctly feel her belly rise and fall, pressing against me with each breath— But we don’t actually do anything—the dream just kind of ends. It’s always awkward knowing that people read this blog. But hey I mean it is what it is, I just have the dreams and write them down. Can’t blame me.

Okay so I haven't really made any dream-posts lately, but I do remember having another dream with David's mom in it. But Hanah was in it this time, too. Hmmm... this is a bit strange because I know some certain people read this blog. But you think I give two shits about what they think? I'm writing down my thoughts anyways. Hanah's a good girl. That sounds a bit strange to say, like a patronizing kind of thing, but I don't mean it that way. I am under the impression that she's a good girl, she tries to do what's right, she admires her parents--her mother especially, whether she's conscious of it or not--and she really loves her brother; but she doesn't really know what she wants in life and, as a result, wastes a lot of her time. I am guessing that she's often surrounded by friends, but also because she’s not particularly close to any of them, she doesn't really know how to act sometimes in one-on-one situations. I have the sense t...