Open Scribbles

I've always been unapologetic about my love for games, but at home they are loathed. Marian's had difficulty admitting her love for games, even though her household embraces it. I was such a nerd back then. Gosh I was weird. No regrets.

I prefer the company of females to males. Probably because I’m more emotionally driven. Probably because of my past experiences with males. But it sucks when I feel like crying and I want to call a friend because I don’t have anyone to cry to. I wanted to call Marian today. In fact, I want to call her right now. But the fact that she’s a girl and I’m a guy is stopping me. That and her relationship status. And the fact that I’m not that close with her. She’s never been vulnerable with me. That’s why I’m uncomfortable with her. And when I told her my testimony, it wasn’t a point of vulnerability for me, it was in the context of work, of correction. So she’s never had a chance to reciprocate that kind of vulnerability, or she doesn’t care to, which I don’t blame her because from what I can tell she doesn’t like people to get too close. Very measured. It takes an insane amount of vulnerability to have what Adam and I have. And RJ. He’s a tough nut but I can tell he tries really hard, s...

Remember once upon a time, when I had a dream about a girl whose name I couldn't remember, and how that prompted me to start swimming again? Well, turns out that girl's also going to Calvin.

1. spend the last 7 years yelling at kid bc of you're anxious he wont have a future 2. kid turns out exact opposite of what she hopes for and is academically undisciplined 3. still gets into college 4. be relieved for 1 minute then start getting stressed out again bc u think hes gonna drop out 5. tell him "you didnt get in because you deserved it or the work you did, you got in because of my  work. you didn't earn any of it, you don't deserve it!" 6. watch your son play a game for the first time in a week bc he's confident you'll let him since he got into a college 7. ???? 8. cut the internet. fuck him and his games.

i got into calvin, what the FUCK lOL.

Okay, first of all, the music is okay. It doesn't quite have the "oomph" of "Rise" or "Legends Never Die", but it's still not bad. I especially like the intro to Camille and the false-harmonics. I'm always a big fan of the violin. But once again, it's always a bit jarring for me because I expect such a song to be applied to something more important than... video games. Video games are a great catalyst for such art, sure, but the art exceeds the game. By far. Okay. So what do I like? I love  Camille's scenes. I wish they had given her and Jhin a conclusion, but I understand why they didn't. And when Draven jumps down, that's pretty cool, I guess. Everything else is mediocre for me. One thing  that really strikes me is how drab the fighting is. It's so  unimpactful. Once again, I understand why they didn't do this, but there's no grit to the fighting. This is war . And yet there is no blood! Kennen's ult was te...

I had a thought today that I don't know if I really want to learn Korean. Not in the sense of "do I want to understand it," but in the sense of "do I want to no longer not understand it." It seems to me that one of the reasons I love the language is because of how peaceful, how soothing it Chinese is very harsh at times, and Japanese is fun, with the rhythm like a well-versed poem, but Korean is peaceful. It soothes me. But I fear that if I learn the language, if I cease to just hear, but begin to understand, then that peace will be lost. Those songs of sentimentality will be lost to the harsh gaze of knowledge, knowing that these songs of older times are nothing more than shallow pop songs about 'love'. Not that I don't already know this for some songs, but at least I still can listen to Korean music without really knowing , right?

I'm titling this as the first because I expect there to be more to follow. I don't like them. Not that I dislike them. And it's not that I don't like them as people. They're nice, and for the most part, they try to do what's right. But as you might know if you've been reading this blog, I'm not fond of the word "nice." I think my feelings towards them come from a similar reasoning. Which is what led me to say that I wish that they'd suffer. I don't actually wish for the suffering-- I wish they'd grow up. And if only suffering can do that, so be it. The crucible is a thing to be coveted. But there's another reason why I don't like them. We're just... not intimate yet, I guess. Like with Adam, I can talk about whatever and I won't feel reluctant. It's not the same with Marian or David. I think that a lot of that comes from their lack of expressed interest. Marian says it's interesting to listen to, but th...

See, sometimes I come across something that snaps me back into this dark mood. But sometimes I just get into this mood even before anything happens. I feel as though it's God preparing me for work again. Last night I had a dream about Alex. I haven't talked to Alex in a very long time. I also haven't checked Facebook in a long time. I never use Facebook. But today, I did. And guess what? There was a post from Alex, which read, "I can't wait to fucking kill myself..." Another one, huh... And you-know-who may come back, though I doubt it. Perhaps she will reach thirty days this week. --- "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." I often feel as though I am never at rest...  "A time for war and a time for peace..." ...but I guess that's what my time playing Undertale with Marian was. Ironically, most seniors see their second semester as an opportunity to enjoy themselves ...

pretty much title... feelsbad

I really need to finish this course. I have only 90 minutes left, but I just can't focus. I can't stop thinking about her... doesn't help that I'm listening to her song on my life-playlist. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk im sad. ahh. go to the Lord... i am a wretch.

Soul violence reflects the death of the heart the slaughter of cattle, the darkness of man— Witness! and believe humanity stands not alone.

What the hell are you doing in the Church? Where is the love of Christ? If you’re here to work, work. But if not, get out. Get the fuck out. I want nothing to do with you until you do.

I see David's mom in her car, waiting to pick David up. I ask her if it's okay for me to ride along, and she asks why can't my own parent's ride, so I call my parents but I dial the wrong number. I call P. Seung, but I'm calling from the wrong phone, I'm calling from my parents' phone for whatever reason. And so P. Seung shows up suddenly irl, and I explain the situation, and I wake up before the situation can be resolved.

My family goes to this weird choose your own adventure simulation. I remember in it, my dad drives poorly and everyone almost dies as my dad careens off of a highway into the ocean, I give up on some academic competition, and the story ends up ending prematurely as it is only a preview. David's mom shows up at the end of the story.

I had a dream last night that I was sitting on this rail-ride, kind of like a mining cart. And Alice rides towards me from the opposite direction, and when I see her my heart does a little leap, and as we pass I grab her by the shoulder and squeeze, like "You're back!". And a few moments later she runs up next to me, which pleasantly surprises me, I thought we were going to just pass each other and that would be that. And she sits down in the cart on my right-- we're both laying on our sides, leaning towards each other so that our heads mutually rest on a pillow and the tops of our heads are touching. We ride the rail, watching all these different things on the ride, and I'm just laying there, listening to her, and I love it, I love that she's back, the tops of our heads are touching and I just think that's great that I get to sit next to her on this rail ride and spend more time with her. But then I wake up and I'm laying in the same position, but ins...

For some odd reason I foudn I had uploaded (just one) personal letters onto this blog. Now why would I do that? It is a personal issue, not just with me, but between others. It is not my place to divulge-- I have since removed the offending post.

And she tells me that if I want to meet Emily, it'll have to be Wednesday because she has an "AC" soccer meet on Saturday at 8, whatever that means.