Open Scribbles

She finally showed up. HAH. Also I find time to tell Alex that he's been looking buffer since working out. We're together by this street in some suburb, and Hanah is hanging out with some of friends from across the corner of the block. I really want to approach her with Alex but I decide against it.

The diction utilized in OneRepublic’s “Counting Stars” reveals the song’s religious intent. The song is a reflection of the Christian faith and its rejection of worldly values. [CHORUS] "Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep Dreaming about the things that we could be" Tedder opens the song with a statement of dissatisfaction. The oxymoron used (losing sleep by dreaming) shows how his physical sleep -- and by extension, his physical dreams -- are not enough to satisfy him. Physical dreams have been replaced by the non-physical act of "dreaming about the things that could be". He longs for more than the physical world: the central sentiment to the Argument from Desire. *** "But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard Said no more counting dollars We'll be counting stars Yeah, we'll be counting stars" The diction reveals the chorus’s religious nature. He has been praying(!) that he would count stars inst...

Sometimes when I’m in my snow gear, I wonder if people can tell I’m a guy. I assume other people are guys until I see long hair, but is male my default assumption because I myself am a male? I wonder how many females I've thought were male simply because everyone looks like a pillow in snow gear.

I’m just jotting these down over the course of the seven days on trip since internet is a limited resource. Also at the time of writing this I’ve already had a couple thoughts and am sitting in a McDonalds (free WiFi haha) so not everything will be in chronological order. 1. (12/26/18) I had a dream Christmas night. It had to do with people I know. I don’t remember what though, just that it was kind of upsetting. I sleep talk sometimes. This was one of those times where I sleep shouted. 2. I had a realization today. I realized I consider Marian and David to be friends now. I don’t know if they know this, but I try to love pretty hard. I really care. As is evidenced by my actions, I hope. I hope they can tell. But it doesn’t matter if they don’t. They’re friends now, and that means I’m emotionally attached to them. Shit. I wonder if I will cry when it comes time to leave? I don’t think so. I never cried with RJ and I never cried with Adam and I never cried with Alex. Sure, I’ll b...

I don't remember, there was a lot to this dream. There's this old guy who wants to kill 500 people. I think he's just got out of prison for murdering a lot of people. I comment that I couldn't even kill 500 ants, which I quickly follow up by saying that I could  kill 500 ants (or 500 people) if it was necessary for a greater good, that I was physically and mentally and emotionally capable of doing so, it's just that I would ever do it for leisure like he's suggesting. I also say I don't doubt the chance to kill 500 people will come, I'm just doubting whether or not he'll live to see that opportunity because he's a pretty old guy. Somebody (a female, I don't know who) asks me what do I mean the chance will come, and I tell her the end times are coming, that people will be dying in sloughs of 500 and 200 and 300 and that all the signs pointed to the Biblical prophecies. I most specifically talking to Elisabeth Lau. After being in a public...

So I'm in this dream where I spend time with Adam. He hunts me down and we spend time together. We watch a talent show together from a balcony, talk about life, walk around, it's just great. Hot damn, I miss him.

okay this is a bit late and I keep missing out on these dreams so I have to get back on writing these down. Something happens, I'm doing something, maybe I'm playing games, I don't know or remember. But I get this text from David, I turn it over and there's juts this huge block of text. The first line says "everything's gone to shit" and I know he's talking about the 'N situation'. Which I think is strange, that he calls it that. It's a phrase that distances himself from her. It's a phrase that dehumanizes her. As if she's some problem to be dealt with, not a friend spiraling towards death. There's no urgency. There should be a graver respect to situations like these, where it's not just "we'll our way and you'll go yours". One should wake up every morning thinking about what one can do to help her. "We need to do something about the N situation" is something I would never want to say about a ...

So while I was waiting for my ride to my therapist on Monday, I got a few messages from you-know-who, as he/she had been unavailable for the last five days. At some point this person asked how others were reacting to his/her absence at school, to which I replied that his/her friends were concerned, to which this person replied "I fucked up". And I was like, what? Why that response? And my friend was like, well I didn't want anyone to worry because that means I have to deal with not dying. Which I think is kind of funny, you know? Usually suicidal people phrase that in the positive light of "don't want to deal with living" as opposed to "don't want to deal with not dying". The former statement reflects the idea that death isn't enjoyable, it's just that living sucks that much more. But the latter statement makes death sound enjoyable, something she can't wait for, as if it's such a drag that she's missing out on the pleasant ...