Open Scribbles

I just wanted to say I've finally broken through the writer's block concerning "Stars". I am reminded of my reflection from first session: "Be intentionally personal". ALSO CAN I JUST PLEASE  SAY HOW MUCH I FREAKING LOVE ROUXLS KAARD AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA PLEASE TOBY I CAN'T EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS CHARACTER I'M ONLY A WORM

i was going to write about my thoughts on today, but don't feel like talking anymore. sorry marian. the blog doesn't do it for me. I'm glad I went to the get-together though. It gave me an idea. I want to write something new. I'm going to write about Helium. But until then, I'll be writing something... personal. It might become one hell of a spoken word. I was going to end the post there, but then I remembered something: Marian's  really  weird. She looks like Yuelin with her glasses on. But she reminds me of Katya. It's  really  weird. She did this ball-throwing thing today. Reminded me of Katya. I can't stress how weird this is. Also, I finished Crazy Rich Asians. Though it has its faults and its successes, I won't really be talking about the movie. All it did was remind me the stark reality of Alice's parents. My life is not going to be easy going down this road. But Christ conquers all. I'm struggling. I will write Psa...

Lol. I'm sitting in a car. With two other dudes, three other girls. We're on the highway, and I don't remember who's driving. It's one of those happy-go-lucky party rides. And you know how I am with those. One of the girls suggests we have a competition. One person gets a handjob, another a blowjob, another gets fucked. It's a race to see who can make their man come first. Vaguely, I think one of the guys is Adam, but I can't be sure. I'm assigned the blowjob, and the girl is Dominique. She's the only person I remember from the dream. The other four have already started. I'm exposed and erect, and Dominique is about to begin. She opens her mouth. At first I think, Oh, is this really happening? I'm actually pretty excited. But then-- Oh, this is not  right. I cannot do this. I have to stay pure. Be godly. It is only right in marriage, and I'm waiting, so not right now, not right now, stop yourself, not right now... Stop! Domini...

You know how if you smell something really bad, when you smell something good it smells that much better? Yeah, well what if you smelled really bad ALL the time. No — what if that smell was on your nose the entire time?  What if you literally licked your nose with your bad breathe ALL the time? No wonder dogs have keen smell senses. 

I'm starting a new series. Sometimes something happens in my life where I'm like, wow, it's almost as if my life is a book or movie. Where you'd analyze these little things, the little symbols, the little juxtapositions... I've had these kinds of thoughts before, but I never really wrote them down. Here's an example. Remember those posts from last year? This week I've spent more time with Marian than I ever thought I would in my life. On Thursday, I went over to Marian's house with David before the talent show. Her house is nice, humble, very homely. The recreation room reminds me of Alex's computer room. The garden is pleasant. I sit on the ground. Hamlet runs up to Marian and starts licking her. She laughs. David takes a seat on the sofa. What game should we play? We eventually decide on Blokus. A thought runs through my mind: I haven't had friends like this in a long time. I'm excited. It's so... nice. But just as we ...

Another one bites the dust. Why must it always be like this? I grieve every day... I must hold onto hope that they will survive. I hope... I must hope... One by one, they will fight, and they will hold... I must hope... I don't want to ever read that email.

The perfect word for my pants this morning is “nebulous”.

I found Jordan Sider today. I found him on his mother's blog, smiling at a camera, diploma in hand, mother on his right and father on his left. I found him. I've been quiet today. Slipping back into my old self, I suppose. My proper self. Silence is good. Solitude is good. Sour grapes? No. Is solitude easier? No! But it is something to be expected. Friendships are a blessing. Solitude with God is the base state, not punishment. I will be sustained by Him alone. I've been sad, disappointed, lonely lately. But that's okay. Is God not enough? I've been quiet today. It is good to be quiet. I talk too much outside of HoneyRock. I found Jordan today. I found Jordan today. Oh, if you only knew, Jordan! I found you today. After all these years, I've finally found you.

I pretty much covered it all in the title. I'm at this restaurant, and there's this woman drinking her smoothie. The smoothie is green; I think it's cantaloupe. There's free refills on it, so these two guys sneak under the rope to the restaurant and try to play if off like they were with the woman the whole time. And they drink her smoothie! I'm at home. Old home, upstairs, laying on the beige couch in the loft. I'm online, and it turns out that the super rough draft of "Stars" I uploaded a few months back blew up on the internet. People were freaking out about it, and I had been completely oblivious. I think to myself, huh. I'm not even that good. It's the second draft, for crying out loud! I find a video of Alice talking about me. She's talking about what she thought about me when she first met me, and what she thinks of me now. Her friend comments on me as well, saying how she "never would have thought, but the most muscular par...

I scheduled a call with David and Marian... They never showed up. Why am I surprised? Why do I ever expect anything more? Why am I always disappointed? Jennifer messaged me about Alice. I want to talk to her more. Jennifer. Alice. It doesn't matter. Marriage be damned, how can you marry if you don't even have friends? Remember when I was happy I felt wanted? Yeah... I remember, too.

I'm calling the cops. It's nighttime and I'm in my house, or something like that. Honestly, I can't remember anything about what's going on, just that something violent and illegal is going on  and that I have to save somebody.

This week ended with a couple disappointments. Adam never returned my call or my texts, RJ ended up canceling our night together because we couldn't get a full team, Alice was unavailable on Friday, and I ran alone this morning. Ah... I was really looking forward to it all...

I've been listening to a lot of Mariya Takeuchi recently. Man, she's good. Mostly been "Plastic Love". I've been missing Adam a lot. I just want to be with him, you know? Dance with him. Laugh with him. I miss him a lot. Whenever I listen to the song, I just want to dance. I just want to let loose and go wild with him, you know? Just like, Ahh! you know? Just give no hecks and bang my head to the beat. Just twirl and slide and glide and pop and sidle and wriggle and swim through the music with him, you know? Man, I love him so much. I just wanna get groovy  with it. And I'm not good at dancing by any means. But that's okay, as long as I'm dancing with the people I love. I can totally imagine him dancing the way he does, with the flick of the hips and the smile in his eyes. Ah, how I miss him... I'm playing Clash with RJ today, too! Oh man, you have no idea how excited I am. I love this guy so much. So, so much. I love him I love him I love hi...