Open Scribbles

I talk with Christy. We’re both at a social gathering of some sort, but we split off from the crowd and she asks me how I’ve been doing. I tell her. Something about poetry, my feelings of loneliness, how I’m have to be serious now to prepare for HoneyRock, how I’m determined to make a difference, determined to make friends, how I’m angry and sad for Marian’s discord friend about his breakup. I guess if I have nobody to talk to, my brain fills that void for me instead, huh. Scene change. I talk with Nathan. We’re playing a game of Starcraft, except it’s from a first person point of view as a commander. I see a drop coming, and as we wait for the drop to hit we talk about how to win or lose, the marines are fucking legends for fighting at all. Like holy shit, not only do you have to fight massive homicidal creepy crawlies, but you risk dying to massive fungal outbreaks, brain parasites, getting impregnated and infested, melted by acid (and it doesn’t even one hit you for pro...

I’m lonely. What a surprise. My interests are so solitary it’s kind of sad. What do I love? Writing, reading, God, just talking. Okay, maybe the last one isn’t that bad. You can work with that. Nope. Nobody has time for “just talking”. And even if we were to talk, what would we talk about? My teacher and I love just talking about whatever. What is art? What is love? What is beauty? Should I marry? All sorts of mundane things nobody my age seems to enjoy conversing about. It makes me really sad. Lonely. I miss my teacher. Always a listening ear. Someone to actually have meaningful conversations with. Someone who shares my love of reading, writing, and general dialogue. I mentioned the definition of religion once today. I was talking to Megan. It came up because she was signing up for something and said something like “they don’t have atheism as a religion”. I realized quite quickly nobody cared, so I tried to express how it made me feel lonely that nobody cares about the same th...

I'm eating with Scott and RJ. Oh, man. I have SIX DAYS until HoneyRock. Anyways, I'm at Chrouser. We're having a drawing competition. You draw a character, and if you don't recognize the character, you draw what you think that character would look like. Between Scott and RJ, I'm the best at drawing. Then we have a cooking competition. But it's not just cooking. It's sculpture  cooking. Scott's an absolute madman. He deep fries these queso cheese chips into the model of a puffin skull. He makes all sorts of legendary art pieces out of food. When it's time to go, I'm still starving so I start eating the scraps. But then I accidentally break off a piece of the cheese puffin skull in my hunger. Oops. I find a bucket of chicken and I start tearing into it. I guess this is a result of me fasting all day yesterday huh... Scene change. I'm in Illinois. It's the Neuqua pool. They're hosting some large, national level swim meet. I walk o...

As you may know from my previous posts, there is darkness within me. I've never written about it explicitly on this blog, but it's there. Bad stuff. Gore, snuff, pedophilia, rape. Would I consider myself a victim of abuse? I don't know. Technically, yes. But Hell knows no bounds, and honestly, I find my past quite pleasant in comparison to... everything else. I'm still a terrible person. I was going to write about it in depth here, everything I didn't have time to tell Christy (yes, there's more...) but I've just decided I'd rather just keep this post upbeatish. Leave it on a happier note. Not such intense doom and gloom. -- I went to a graduation party yesterday. Joshua's. I was quiet. Not the entire time, sometimes I talked with Joshua and Caleb, mostly Joshua. Caleb just kind of greeted me a couple of times. I don't think he knows what to say to me. I've realized that I'm not really close with anyone but churc...